Tune in boundaries

Author and therapist, Dan Allender writes in his book How Children Raise Their Parents:

“Beginning with the first day of life outside the womb, every child is asking two core questions: ‘Am I loved?’ and ‘Can I get my own way?’ These two questions mark us throughout life, and the answers we receive set the course for how we live.”

Our job as parents is to provide an answer to both of these questions. The answer to the first question is an easy “YES!” We want our children to know and experience the reality that they are loved no matter what, for who they are, for how God made them, just because.

How do you answer the second question: “Can I get my own way?” Is your answer yes, no, or sometimes? Perhaps the most honest answer to this question is “Sometimes.” Sometimes you can get your own way. Sometimes you cannot get your own way. This is a LIFE reality. Our job as parents is to appropriately prepare children for the way life really works. This means training them to navigate a “no.” This is where the concept of boundaries come in.

Simply put, a boundary defines what is okay and what is not okay. When children are young, they are just beginning to learn what is okay and not okay. They need parents and teachers to TEACH boundaries through direct experience and loads of practice. Setting and maintaining good boundaries at home is a crucial way we love and care for our children. It is not unkind to say “no” or “that’s not okay, “ or “I can’t let you….” It’s quite the opposite. It’s a gift you give your child. Boundary setting equips children with the skills and experience under your watchful care that they need to move out into the REAL (school, sports field, playground, etc.) world as they grow up.

So how do you set a boundary with a preschooler? The links below will help answer that question. But here’s a bit of wisdom to get you started. Boundary guru, Henry Cloud, writes: “If your boundary training consists only of words, you’re wasting your breath. Demanding someone to change a behavior is not setting a boundary. Consequences (actions!) keep a boundary in place while giving the other person the freedom to choose.”

How to Set Limits for Kids Without Harshness, Fear or Shame

How to Set Boundaries For Preschoolers

Setting Limits and Building Cooperation

How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Child