tune into protecting your child | january 2020

Guest Contributor: Kelly Winkler, Licensed Mental Health Counselor

“Mommy, I don’t like school,” says Alicia.  She is in the three-year old class with Mrs. Whitley.  She has spiral curls bouncing this way and that way as she shares. Her eyes are the color of milk chocolate, she has always hated to leave me.  Today, Alicia looks especially determined to share. I bend down so I am at her height and ask, “Why don’t you like school?” Her eyes squint slightly and her mouth tightens before she explains, “Mrs. Whitely always makes me color in the lines!”  I knew at that moment that God was telling me something about how he made her. That little girl is 12 years old today. She still hates coloring in the lines, but now I know why. She sees the world through an artistic lens. She dances, she takes photos, she draws; her heart and eyes are made to see the world creatively.  

In preschool, we are privileged to see our children’s unique interests come to light. We take thousands of pictures to capture that process. We are enamored with it.  The special light that we see growing in them at this sweet young age is worthy of our delight and demands our protection. 

In our highly sexualized world, one important place to provide protection is in the area of body safety. One in three girls will be sexually abused before they are eighteen. For boys, it’s one in five. These stats don’t change because of our race, our religion, or our income. Disturbingly, a child is no less likely to be sexually abused because he or she has been raised in a Christian home or in the church.  How can we ensure that our children will not become another statistic? 

Shielding Innocence is an on-line sexual abuse prevention curriculum for parents. It was created by me and my colleague, Caleb Grover.  We combined our 30 years of experience as therapists in the field of sexual abuse and trauma with our hearts as a mother and a father and put them together to create a way to empower parents to protect their kids.

The content will teach you:

1. How sexual abuse happens

2. Ways to identify any parenting blindspots that may put your child at risk

3. How to create an environment where your child feels safe to have open conversations with you about everything

4. How  an emotionally  connected relationship with your child is the best protection,

5. The developmental stages of your child - what to expect they’ll need to know, what they’ll ask, and when they will ask it 

6. How to empower your children to protect their own bodies when you aren’t there to do it.

You can jump on our website www.shieldinginnocence.com and check out the first module for free. If you would like the entire course, you can use the coupon code WEEKDAYSCHOOL to get 50% off.

faith and family | january 2020

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we will wait for it patiently. Romans 8:25

In Chapter eight of Liturgy of the Ordinary, Tish Harrison Warren shares that she judges people who honk in traffic.  I do too… and if I am being honest, sometimes I am the one honking. Let’s face it, sitting in standstill traffic on I-4, the sun beating in and toddlers whining in the backseat is enough to make anyone press firmly on their horn in frustration.  As Warren states, “In the face of our powerlessness, our stuckness, our mortal minutes counting down, we just honk: an act of rage and protest that only adds noise, not movement.”  

Sitting in traffic is a prime example of just how little control we have.  Although I like to think I have oversight over my clock, these everyday moments where MY plans become altered bring me soaring right back down to reality.  As Warren notes, “Time is a gift from God, a means of worship. Time is not a commodity that I control, manage or consume. Time revolves around God - what he has done, what he is doing, and what he will do.”

Given our current culture, I know I have promoted patterns of impatience in my daily life.  Trying to juggle work schedules and school schedules, multi-tasking chores and workouts and relationships with friends, rushing through days from one holiday to the next trying to squeeze in one more thing...and probably honking along the way!!  Warren questions, “How can I live as one who watches and waits for the coming kingdom when I can barely wait for water to boil?”

Theologian Hans Urs von Balthasar suggests that impatience is at the root of all sin.  He writes, “God intended man to have all good, but... in God’s time; and therefore all disobedience, all sin, consists essentially in breaking out of time.”  He writes, “patience is the basic constituent of Christianity… the power to wait, to persevere, to endure to the end.” He shares that obtaining these virtues will require sacrifice, hard work and humble dedication.   

Warren suggests we follow the rhythm of the Liturgical calendar, which gives time meaning based on the narrative of Jesus’ life.  She writes that in keeping the church calendar in mind (Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter, Pentecost) we can begin to see waiting as an act of faith because of the work done by Christ.  She adds that as Christians, “we wait with expectation of the goodness and glory that is to come.” Time then becomes a story that you and I can live into.  

I love these beautiful words from our author.  She writes, “We live in the truth that however slowly or quickly we may be traveling, we are going somewhere…. We have hope because our Lord has promised that he is preparing a place for us.  We are waiting, but we will make it home.” (**See John 14:1-4)

I pray this new year (and new decade) will be a season where we can all be more compassionate and more patient, relying on the truths of our Savior.  A period where we can slow down and soak in the goodness around us.

Addy Kirven, Advisory Board Chair

tune into empathy | november/december 2019

Empathy is the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling in a particular situation and respond with care. Young children develop empathy by experiencing empathy from their caregivers. Every time you say, “I know how you feel” or “Looks like you had a hard day,” you’re being empathic. You are a dog lover but your child seems scared of dogs. You say, “Are you feeling scared of that dog? He is a nice dog but he is barking really loud. That can be scary. I will hold you until he walks by.” Every time you rise above your own feelings to see things from your child’s point of view, that’s empathy.

“Personality characteristics such as generosity, empathy, caring, and sharing cannot be taught, they can only be modeled.” Magda Gerber

According to John Gottman, the author of Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, empathy is the foundation of emotional intelligence and the foundation of effective parenting. Why? Empathy is essential for understanding and connection. Without your empathy, your child simply won’t feel loved, no matter how much you love him/her.

How to show empathy to your preschooler:

• Mirror their emotions: Imagine empathy as a mirror that you hold up to your child. Your acknowledgment of what he’s feeling helps him to recognize and accept his own feelings, which is what allows them to resolve. “You are feeling sad and jealous that Carly got the cupcake with the butterfly on it. I know that’s hard, but now you can choose the blue cupcake or the green one.” Teaching children the words for emotions is important because, over time, it gives children the ability to talk about their feelings instead of acting them out.

• Validate difficult emotions: Sometimes when our child is sad, angry, or disappointed, we rush to try and fix it right away, to make the feelings go away because we want to protect him from any pain. However, these feelings are part of life and ones that children need to learn to cope with. Labeling and validating difficult feelings actually helps children learn to handle them: “You are really mad that I turned off the TV. I understand. You love watching your animal show. It’s okay to feel mad. When you are done being mad you can choose to help me make a yummy lunch or play in the kitchen while mommy makes our sandwiches.” This type of approach also helps children learn to empathize with others who are experiencing difficult feelings.

• Talk about others’ feelings. For example, “Kayla is feeling sad because you took her toy car. Please give Kayla back her car and then you choose another one to play with.”

• Suggest how children can show empathy. For example, “Let’s get Jason some ice for his boo-boo.”

• Be a role model. When you have strong, respectful relationships and interact with others in a kind and caring way, your child learns from your example.

• Use “I” messages. This type of communication models the importance of self-awareness: “I don’t like it when you hit me. It hurts.”

To be clear, showing empathy does not mean your child can/should do whatever he/she feels like. Empathy is not:

• Being permissive: You can (and should) set limits as necessary. And then acknowledge your child’s unhappiness about those limits. Don't be defensive. It's important to your child that you're able to tolerate her disappointment and anger at you, and that you love her even when she’ not in touch with her love for you.

• The same thing as agreeing with your child: Accepting your child’s feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You are showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.

• Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up: Empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just pushes it under to resurface later. After she has a chance to notice, accept, and express the feeling, she will feel ready to move on to a change of scene and topic. And you've given her the message that ALL of her is acceptable, including her yucky feelings.

Interested in learning more?

• Ages and Stages of Empathy

• How To Be Kind When You Feel So Mad

• When Empathy Doesn't Work

• Empathy Didn't Work - What Do I Do Now?

from the director | november/december 2019

This month we are teaching preschoolers about Thanksgiving by focusing on the name of the holiday: “thanks” and “giving.” Young children are learning how important it is to say “thank you” to one another for small kindnesses. We also teach them to say thank you to God for everything He has done for us.

“Every good and perfect gift comes from God.” (James 1:17)

During Thanksgiving, we also practice giving to others. Children have been learning that there are children who go to school hungry every day because they don’t have enough food at home. We’re giving Weekday School children the opportunity to bring food from home to help other children as part of our Thanksgiving Worship Service. These donations will be delivered to Christian Service Center's Love Pantry, a “school pantry” program supporting Orange and Seminole County public schools.

Did you know that community outreach is an important part of our Weekday School year? Thank you to those of you who contributed to our September/October project. Your support enabled Board members, to assemble and deliver a total of 150 snack packs and 75 goodie bags to the Ronald McDonald Houses at Arnold Palmer Medical Center and AdventHealth for Children. In December, we’ll be collecting children’s clothing and toys (new or in good condition) to support the Hal Marsten Head Start families. More details to come after the Thanksgiving holiday.

In December there are two event dates I want to highlight. First, The Cup of Christmas Tea is a morning event (December 12) for moms, grandmothers, aunts, and friends. Becky Davis, Associate Pastor for Congregational Care at FPCO, will share a heartfelt message to help us prepare for the true meaning of Christmas. Heads up - this will be our last Cup of Christmas Tea as we simplify and shift some of our opportunities for moms in the future.

Then, the classroom nativity and parties are the BEST. Make sure the date of your child’s party is on the calendar and that you plan to arrive on time - allow time to get checked in at the front desk. (2day: Dec 17, 3Day: Dec. 18, 4Day: Dec. 17)

Even though the Thanksgiving holiday is a set day on our nation’s calendar, as believers, giving thanks to God is a daily practice. I am thankful to God for your children. God created them in wonderful ways. I am thankful for the high-fives, hugs and giggles. And I am thankful to God for each one of you too. It is a blessing to be a part of your family’s preschool years.

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.” Psalm 9:1

With a thankful heart,

faith and family | november/december 2019

For I have learned to be content, whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11

I love having plans, routines, and schedules - I always have, and I think I always will. It’s a blessing and a curse! Fast forward to having kids, and it’s nearly impossible to make plans without planning for at least an extra 15-20 minutes to gather everyone and everything (shoes on, backpack and/or water bottle and snacks packed, and the random tape measure grabbed out of the kitchen drawer that we have to take in the car with us today!) and don’t forget to have a plan B, C, D and Z if plan A goes wrong. I don’t know about you, but when Tish Harrison Warren talked about losing her keys in Chapter 4 of Liturgy of the Ordinary, I could totally relate!

In this chapter, Tish gives an example of losing her keys one morning and walks us through her personal “Stages of Searching for Lost Objects”:

• Stage 1: Logic - She retraces her steps. Remains calm and rational.

• Stage 2: Self-condemnation – While scanning every shelf and countertop, she begins to think and talk negatively about herself.

• Stage 3: Vexation – Frustration. She switches from blaming herself to blaming others. Of course, her husband or kids have moved the keys, right?!

• Stage 4: Desperation – She looks everywhere. Random drawers, under beds, previous jean pockets. Starts mentally counting the time it’s taken to search for the keys.

• Stage 5: Last-Ditch – She stops to calm down, pray, change her perspective.

• Stage 6: Despair – She finally gives up! It’s hopeless. The keys will never be found. Her day is ruined. (After calmly retracing her steps, she finds them under the couch!)

It sounds funny reading through those stages, but I’m sure most of us can relate to Tish in those moments of looking for lost keys before the morning commute. I think my husband would just grab the extra set of keys and find the lost ones later, but regardless of what you choose to do in the moment, you still have to find the lost keys at some point! Something, although small, went wrong and you have to choose how you respond.

Paul tells us in Philippians 4:11, to “Be content in all circumstances”. When things are going well in my life, I can be a pretty good and patient person. But if a small thing goes wrong and interrupts my plans, I quickly reveal how much I am in need of grace! Tish says “Pretty good people don’t need Jesus. He came for the lost. He came for the broken. In his love for us he came to usher us into his wholeness.” Knowing that makes me want to stop and notice God in the monotonous, ordinary, everyday life, and not ignore his hope and mercy in the little things.

In Chapter 4, Tish goes on to say “We are people who desperately need each other if we are to seek Christ and walk in repentance. If we are saved, we are saved together – as the body of Christ, as a church.” Daily practices of confession – like when Tish realized she was losing her patience, and snapping at others in the stages above, reminds us to respond with repentance. We can practice grace in our simple everyday experiences and remember to trust Jesus’s work in our lives.

So, how will you react when small things go wrong throughout your day? We crave control and feeling the absence of control can make you feel stressed when you realize how little control you actually have. But, praise the Lord we don’t have the responsibility to be in control of things because we would fail every time. We have limits, but our God is limitless! God is in control – rest in that truth. Tish concludes with reminding us that “God searches more earnestly for me than I do for my keys. He is zealous to find his people and to make them whole.” That’s reason enough to be content and give thanks! Allow these moments of chaos and feelings of hopelessness to offer an opportunity for sanctification and growth – Especially in the upcoming holiday season!

Now what?!

As parents, we want our children to understand the love, forgiveness and grace of God – and to celebrate his new mercies every day. Here are some helpful tips.

Holiday Tip:

Keep a Gratitude/Thankful jar in your home throughout the month of November. Remind your family members to write down something they are grateful for every day. Read them all together on Thanksgiving, or around the holiday season. Or, have your child(ren) write down the things they’re thankful for on red and green construction paper and cut out a paper chain to use to countdown to Christmas! Also, look for an Advent or Christmas devotional you can read together as a family to help celebrate the joy of this season.

Say this confession in the Book of Common Prayer:

“Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against you in thought, word, and deed, by what we have done, and by what we have left undone. We have not loved you with our whole heart; we have not loved our neighbors as ourselves. We are truly sorry and we humbly repent. For the sake of your Son, Jesus Christ, have mercy on us and forgive us, that we may delight in your will, and walk in your ways, to the glory of your Name. Amen.”

Journal and pray:

Take note of your responses when things go wrong in your day. Pray or journal about the fears and idols in those moments reveal in you. Help your child recognize their responses when things don’t go their way, too! Pray together for God to show you, and him/her, His grace, mercy and forgiveness.

Layne Spears, Advisory Board